Don't be afraid; just believe

I was reading my Bible yesterday morning, while my daughter was snuggled up on me watching 'JoJo's Circus'. I'm reading the book of Mark right now, and as I was reading, a small verse leapt off of the pages at me. It's simple, really. Just five words.

"...Don't be afraid; just believe." Mark 5:36

These words were spoken by Jesus. A man named Jairus came up to Him, and asked Him to heal his very sick daughter. On the way back to the man's house, people were coming up to Jairus and telling him "Your daughter is dead...why bother the teacher any more?" Jairus must have become disturbed by what these people were saying, because Jesus' response was comforting. "Don't be afraid; just believe."

Incredibly simple, yet incredibly difficult at the same time. It sounds easy. But it's very hard for me.

I've been feeling a little out of my mind lately. I know that I have an incredibly blessed life, and have every reason to be happy and full of joy and thankfulness everyday. And I try to be. But I'm 36 weeks pregnant, and scared. I'm hormonal, emotional, and tired.

My brain is constantly thinking of things I need to do before the baby comes. Ways to make this transition as easy as possible on Becca. Ways to make it all as easy as possible on us. Ways to make the people who are helping us out by watching Becca feel our appreciation.

Thinking about having 2 kids at home. About going into labor again. I had my 36 week appt with my OB this week. She said that inductions are most common in first pregnancies, but not nearly as common in subsequent pregnancies. So there's a good chance I'll go into labor on my own, before my induction date. She said 'But at least you've been through it before, so you'll know what to expect."

The thing is, I haven't really been through it before. I was induced. I know that I had a really bad backache after they gave me some prostaglandin, and after an hour of serious pain, I was dilated to a 4. Then I got my epidural, and didn't feel too much after.

I've never been at home, feeling contractions, and knowing when I should go into the hospital. This will be a whole new experience for me. I hope that I recognize it in time, and know when to call. I hope I don't have a false alarm. I hope that the gracious people that are going to watch Becca are able to get here in time, and that I make it to the hospital in plenty of time. They say your 2nd delivery goes much faster.

I'm scared about what it's going to be like when we bring the baby home, and Becca makes the adjustment. I'm scared about taking care of both of the kids on my own right away.

The other big thing in my life right now concerns my mom. She's having major surgery next week. She has to be under general anesthesia, and they're going to operate on her spinal column. They're going in through her neck. She's terrified. The doctor told her that she has as much of a chance of dying from the anesthesia as she does from the procedure itself. Now she's been getting her will ready, and worrying about who's going to be with me when I find out the news.

I would be scared too. Undoubtedly. But it's very unsettling to have your mother...your only family member, really...be so scared. It makes me think about something bad happening.

If everything goes well, and I'm fairly certain that it will, her recovery will be 4 to 6 weeks, at least. She will have to wear a hard collar on her neck, and will be confined to her house. She won't be able to do much for herself, so my hubby and I will have to take care of her. She already makes us nervous because she slips on her stairs when she's not in a neck brace. She's not in good physical shape, and everyday things are hard on her when she's not incapacitated. I think she's going to need a lot of help from us.

She's having her surgery on the day before I'm officially 'full term'. That means that I will most likely go into labor while she needs our help. Which means that she's going to have to find someone else to help her (which I've been encouraging her to do anyway). It also means that we're going to have to ask for help, and rely on other people to help us, when the baby comes, and after. That's really scary for me too, for some reason.

Anyway...all these things are swirling in my head, making me feel scared and anxious. When I came across that Bible verse yesterday, it struck a chord in me. It doesn't do me any good to be afraid. I do need to believe. I need to believe that God has a plan for me and my family. That He's got the timing all worked out, and that everything will fall into place. He's the one in control of everything I'm scared about. He's the one who knows how my mom will do with the surgery. He's the one who knows the exact minute that my baby will be born. And He's the one who gives peace, strength, and hope when we need it most. Why would I think that He wouldn't do the same for me?

So that's my mantra for the next 5 weeks. "Don't be afraid; just believe." And I'll back this thought up with my life verse, in Jeremiah. 29:11. "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope, and a future."