I love the ocean. The sound of the waves crashing on the beach feels like home to me. Having water spread before me as far as my eyes can see is soothing to my soul. It reminds me that there is something SO much bigger than me out there...and the awesomeness of it speaks of the God who created the ocean and the sky to be separate.
Most of the time, I am able to view my life as I do the ocean. It is beautiful, homey, and speaks to me of God. I look at my life, and see God's hand in it, and I feel again how small I really am, and how big God really is. The things He has rescued me from, and the blessings He has poured out on me are too many to count in one sitting.
One thing about the ocean, as much as I love it, is that it is dangerous. If you aren't prepared, you can get swept away by an undertow and before you know it, you are lost at sea.
This is how I feel right now. Like I have been swept away.
This last year has been a wild ride for us. And while we've been trusting God the whole ride, the twists and turns have taken their toll on our spirits, on our hearts. I still know the Truth, and trust in the God who loves me and will see me through these valleys, but right now, I feel like I am half-living. Like I am going through life in a daze...
These last few months, especially, have knocked me off of my feet. I wonder what it takes to feel 'normal' again?
Father, please help me to refocus. Help me to go back to living fully. Help me to experience your Joy. Help me to know that You are watching over the 2 children that You have called home to You before they had a chance to know the pain of this world. Help me to trust in You, and to have Hope again. Help me be 'me' again. You are worthy and deserving of all praise and blessing. Amen.
8 comments:
I'm sorry you are feeling swept away. I was reminded while reading your post that although the ocean can be dangerous, God is still in charge of it. He is still watching you and taking care of you. And - He loves you!
Of course - that is easy to say but not always easy to feel when you are in the middle of an undertow.
I'll be praying for you to feel his peace and presence.
Oh, Renee... I'm so sorry for your losses. I can see why you feel swept away.
I want to encourage you to continue to rest/wrestle with God and these circumstances, but maybe to see a specialist as well. (Perhaps you have.)
Between my sister and I, we've had, well, a lot of losses (don't want to discourage you) but it wasn't until we saw specialists that we were able to see God work in the medical community to help us correct these problems.
Your spirit is sweet and strong. May you continue to know God's presence during this time. Consider yourself hugged, girl!
Emily
Oh Renee, I'm so sorry. I sorta had a feeling you'd had a rough few months. It's so hard to see the light shining through sometimes. You are making your way though, you'll get there. It was great to see you write again. No pressure, but I missed you!
Renee, I wish I could hug you. I am praying for you, friend. I hope God surrounds you with love.
May God teach you what you are supposed to learn from this time and take away the rest. May He take away the pain and hurt and despair. He is molding you. I've been there. I've had two miscarriages, one after a long struggle with infertility. I know what it is like to not feel like yourself. Your heart is in the right place....keep resting on Him.
Renee, I know what you mean about desperately wanting to feel like yourself again. I do agree with Emily - there were times in my life when talking to a counselor helped immensely to process all I was feeling.
And give yourself time. I know you want to feel "normal" again, but be sure to wait on God. If you are patient through the process (and I absolutely know how hard that is to do), He will reward your perseverence!!! I will continue to pray for you. Thank you for posting so I know how to pray specifically.
I know that feeling. It takes time...sometimes a significant amount of time. Take the time you need.
I was just talking to someone the other day about how when you are in the midst of a trial, it's like all you can see is the trial. All you can feel is the "stuff" that goes with it. It's not until you're on the other side that you truly feel like you can breathe again -- and then you look back at what you came through and you see God in every step. You see people that he planted in your path, little details that only He can arrange, breaths of air along the way that you know HE gave to you.
Sweet friend, I'm so sorry that you're hurting so much. I so wish that you were here. You know I am just on the other side of the phone. Please have Andy give you a ginormous hug for me. Love you - and I'm still praying for you, sweetie.
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