He Gives And Takes Away: Part 1

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow

Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your Name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your Name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the Name of the Lord
Blessed be Your Name
Blessed be the Name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious Name

Blessed be Your Name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your Name

Blessed be Your Name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
But my heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your Name

-Matt Redman

Warning: This is a sad post. There may be things in here that you don't want to read (and frankly that I don't want to type). But this is an experience in my life, and I feel the need to remember the details. These details make up my life, the good times, as well as the heartbreaking.

I woke up this morning with this song running through my head. I have heard the lyrics before, of course, but today these words had special meaning for me. I woke up just knowing that this song would hold significance for me today. And it did.

Yesterday, I had a little bit of spotting, and some cramping. We have had a crazy 4 or 5 days, so I didn't think too much about it. I told my hubby, and we just thought I should take it easy today, and try to recover from the crazy week we just had.

This morning when I woke up, I just knew that something was wrong. The verse from this song that says "He gives and takes away" just kept running through my mind, and I knew I wouldn't have peace until I called the doctor's office. I did, and they told me they wanted me to come in for an ultrasound this morning.

My hubby met me at the doctor's office, and played with the girls out in the lobby while I went back for my ultrasound.

The girl who did the ultrasound told me that she would check things out first, and then she would go get the doctor, and they would look at it together, and talk to me about what they saw. She did her looking, and then got up and left.

I started to get a little nervous when they were gone for 15 minutes...

Even more nervous when they came back in and he started asking me questions about how far along my pregnancy really was, and if my last period really did start way back in January.

They then showed me what they saw on the ultrasound. They pointed out the sac that my baby was in, and then he showed me that what should have been a baby the size of a grape (I should be 9 1/2 weeks pregnant), was actually a 6 week old baby without a heartbeat.

What??!!!???????

That moment felt like a dream, and I imagine that it will always seem dreamlike in my memories. The dimly lit, warm, ultrasound room. A doctor that I was meeting me for the first time giving me some of the saddest news of my life. My husband and daughters playing in the lobby with no knowledge of the sadness that had filled my spirit, and entered our family.

They gave me some time to collect my thoughts, then brought me into a different room. They told me I would probably want my husband involved for the discussion that would follow, so they went out to the lobby to bring him and the girls in.

We then listened to our options. Option 1: We wait and see if my body realizes that I am no longer pregnant, and takes care of things on its own. This could happen today, or months from now. (And there will be no moving on until this is complete.) Option 2: We fill a prescription for some pills that will make my uterus contract, and force things to happen. The whole process should be done within 12-24 hours, but could be very painful, and slightly traumatic. The doctor said that I would want to do this when my husband is around, so he can keep an eye on me, and watch the kids, since I would be pretty miserable (he said it would be much worse than a period). And, Option 3: A D&C. This would mean going to the hospital, being put under light anesthesia, and running the risk of getting an infection, or even a puncture in my uterus.

We decided to talk about it, and took a prescription for the pills, just in case. (We have since decided that we will wait until this weekend, and pray that things might happen naturally before then. I have been having a lot of cramping, so things may be underway. If nothing has happened by this weekend, I will take the pills on Friday night or Saturday morning, and my hubby will watch the girls.)

My husband decided to take the rest of the day off, and we have spent the day together with our family. I am incredibly thankful for him, his support, and the fact that we are going through this together.

There are so many things running through my mind right now. I have a child in heaven. I have a parent, and a child in heaven. There are other, more disturbing thoughts, brought on by the fact that my pregnancy ended 3 1/2 weeks ago, and I didn't know it. I try not to let those thoughts linger very long.

I asked the doctor how things will work when/if we get pregnant again. He said that we could start trying after I get my next period, and that since I have now had a miscarriage, they will check for a heartbeat sometime around 6 or 7 weeks. (With this pregnancy, I wasn't scheduled to go to the doctor for another month, for my 12 week check-up).

In all of this grief, I am thankful. So thankful for a God who is bigger than even this. So thankful that it is God who gives and takes away. So thankful that this precious little life is in heaven now. So thankful that I don't have to go through this alone. So thankful that I can rest in my Father's arms tonight, and talk to Him about my baby.

A friend sent me these lyrics today, and they're perfect. (Also...I will do part 2 to this post sometime this week. This part was "and takes away", and the next part will be "He gives". I have really good news to share with y'all too!)

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..

You were growing, what happened dear?

You disappeared on us baby…baby..

Heaven will hold you before we do

Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…

Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday

Miss you in every way

But we know there’s a day when we will hold you

We will hold you

You’ll kiss our tears away

When we’re home to stay

Can’t wait for the day when we will see you

We will see you

But baby let sweet Jesus hold you

‘till mom and dad can hold you…

You’ll just have heaven before we do

You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to

understand it ‘cause we’re hurting

We are hurting

But there is healing

And we know we’re stronger people through the growing

And in knowing-

That all things work together for our good

And God works His purposes just like He said He would…

Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies

and what they must sound like

But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home

And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

Glory Baby, by Watermark