As I stated a few posts back, I have been on the anvil recently. It is not necessarily a fun place to be, having your mistakes and your wrong ways of thinking pointed out to you. But it is a good place...a place of growth. Of learning, and trust, and brokenness. Of hope. Hope that the woman I have been, and am now, is not the woman I will be.
Friendship.
When I was in Campus Life in high school, we talked about the 4 parts that make up the whole of us. Mental/Emotional, Physical, Spiritual, and Social. They took these parts from a Bible verse:
"And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man." Luke 2:52
Jesus grew in wisdom (mental/emotional), and stature (physical), and in favor with God (spiritual), and man (social).
I remember Trent, my Campus Life director speaking about these 4 areas. He used a nerf ball cut into 4 equal parts to demonstrate. When all the parts were together and equal, he had a working football. But when one of the parts was missing, or lesser than the others, the football couldn't be used for it's intended purpose.
I learned early on how important friendships are to a healthy spirit. What I didn't learn was how to be a friend.
I have spent my life wondering what other people are thinking of me. Wondering what they say about me when I'm not around. Wondering if I'm good enough for certain friends. Wondering if I'm wearing the right clothes, or acting the right way. Wondering if I look good enough to be friends with certain people.
The funny thing is, I always thought my concern for what others think of me made me a good friend. I saw myself as being selfless. After all, I was always thinking of others, right? (Don't laugh...it's the truth!)
Over the years, I have started to care less what others think about me. Not that I don't want to make a good impression, don't get me wrong. But I have realized that I can't make everyone like me. This realization comes after years of trying to make this ideal into a reality.
I'm also learning that it's not about me.
This is kind of a weird thought to put together with friendship. But I'm learning that it applies here as well.
How many times have I turned down invitations because I didn't feel I had the right clothes, or I was too worried about whether or not I would say the right things?
How many times have I missed what someone was saying because I was too busy thinking of what clever thing I was going to say next?
How many times have I not gone somewhere because I didn't feel like I had anything to offer?
How many times have I not joined in on fun things because I was afraid that people wouldn't like me?????
The answers to these questions are humbling.
The reason that they're humbling is because it's not about me.
Let me turn it around.
How many times have I missed out on a new friendship because I was too insecure?
How many times have I shorted someone else a listening ear because I didn't think they wanted me to listen?
How many times have I made someone else feel unimportant because I didn't accept their invitation?
How many times have I denied someone the comfort of a friend because I didn't think that I was good enough?
Do you see where I'm going??
God has been teaching me that even in friendships, it's not about me.
This lesson is very similar to the one I've been learning about hospitality. When I focus on myself and my shortcomings, I am not being the friend or the hostess that I am called to be. When I focus on just being a friend, and thinking about others first, then it doesn't matter so much what my house looks like, or what kind of clothes I wear.
While I am sitting at home, worrying about how much weight I've gained, and how I look, there may be a friend who just wants someone to listen to them, or to care about them.
It's not about what I need, although I do need friendship. Rather, it is about what I can offer. I can listen whole-heartedly. I can sympathize. I can love.
10 comments:
Friendship - something we all need and long for. I love what you had to say about focusing on others - it isn't about us. Oh how I still need to learn that lesson. I am still concerned about how I look, what I say, will people like me - I wish I didn't care or worry so much. You are so right - if we focus on others all those things don't matter.
You have a beautiful heart Renee. Thank you for being so honest and open and letting me learn from your words. I have been blessed by it!
I love the new picture of Allie on your sidebar - she looks so grown up!
I think many women struggle with this same issue. It makes me laugh when I find myself primping in the mirror - as if anyone will ever actually NOTICE my earrings. Most likely, everyone else will be thinking about their own, and what I think about THEIRS. :)
"But enough about me... what about YOU? What do YOU think about ME?" :)
Just recognizing that frees us up a lot, don't you think? Pretty soon I'll have to post a part of an article I recently read on this very topic, and I'll have to link this post to it. The article is not from a Christian perspective, but it's a universal truth. I think she called it the "Spotlight Syndrome." ha ha!
Very convicting! Thank you for sharing - I find myself thinking many of the same thoughts sometimes. Although, I am finally getting to a place where I, too, have decided it's not about me.
I feel like I am reading something I mind as well have written. There have been so many times I haven't gotten together with a friend because my house was a mess, I hadn't showered, or felt particularly fat that day. And it isn't about me. You are very perceptive, and I hope being on the anvil and evaluating your circumstances is very helpful. You are a wonderful person, created in God's image, and I'm sure you have so much to offer many people. Thank you.
Wonderful thoughts! It's so important to have the right attitude in friendship.
And it's nice to meet you. Jennifer at Gathering Grace (commentor above) sent me over here.
Blessings, e-Mom @ Chrysalis
You are so right! It is hard to remember that everything isnt about us (about us being perfect, pretty, making good impressions, etc). Great reminder for me!
Yes, I too find myself worrying about these same things. I think the enemy really works on women in this area. We want to be everyone's favorite, be the best looking, the best friend of everyone...but what Christ longs for us all of us & sometimes He strips us of all that we are & what we "think" we know so that all we want is Him. YOu have a beautiful heart Renee & are beautiful inside & out.
I too have gone through all this.
In the past I suffered from a "tainted inner monologue." There was always another conversation going on between me and a friend, it was the one in my head, the things I believed they were thinking of me, which I now recognize they NEVER thought at all.
Becoming free of that, has freed me up to be a friend, and most importantly to receive friendship.
And on a side note- YEAH for Campus Life, I too would not be where I am without it. I miss 7:17 on Thurs. nights. Brings a smile to my face.
Oh Renee. I have just caught up reading your posts and my heart is reaching out to yours.
Thank you for your honesty and transparency in this area. Friendship is something we all crave and I pray that you will be richly blessed in this area. You are a terrific woman and I know others around you are blessed to have you in their lives.
Wise words, my friend. And ones I an surely relate to. Sometimes I think we are the same person. I'm sure I've said that before, but I'm constantly thinking it as I read your posts.
Love hearing about all that God is teaching you right now!
Post a Comment