It's Not About Me: Part One

Hospitality.

Hospitality is a spiritual gift. It is a talent. It is an honor.

For the last 7 years or so, I have had a strong desire to 'learn' the gift of hospitality. Now, I don't know that you can 'learn' gifts, but what if you were given a certain gift, but never had the guidance needed to cultivate said gift? We are not born knowing how to talk, or how to walk. And, if we never saw these in practice, would we ever learn them? We learn these basic skills by observing others. By using the abilities that we were born with, and learning by example.

Regardless of whether I was blessed with the gift of hospitality or not, it is a calling. As a Christian, and as a mother, I am called to serve. To open my heart and home, and show love to the world around me.

Even though I have had these desires for a long time, hospitality does not come naturally to me. By nature, I am a solitary person. I recharge by having alone time. I don't like to have too many plans, and I like time to myself. Being around people for long periods of time wears me down. While I love being around people I enjoy, I still need time by myself to rejuvenate. My husband is the same way.

This said, hospitality has been heavy on my heart lately.

For years, I have wanted to be a good hostess. I have spent hours scouring my home before company comes over. I have searched for impressive recipes, and stressed myself silly over making sure that everything was 'just right'. I wanted nothing more than to impress my company...to show them what a good hostess...what a good person I am.

I remember vividly a conversation I had with a friend of mine several years ago. My husband and I invited her and her boyfriend over for dinner. Like usual, I spent the entire day cleaning our home. I made cheesecake from scratch, along with homemade nachos, a casserole, and some kind of a side dish. They came, and made some comments about how clean our house was, and how good the food was. We had a good time, and I considered the evening successful.

Until they extended an invitation to us.

We went to her boyfriend's house a few weeks later for dinner, and had a great time. They had salads from a bag, pasta from a jar, and cheesecake from a box. And it was wonderful. We enjoyed dinner with them, and were happy to be there. Then my friend said "We were joking before you came over that we should have told you to show up in sweats, while we were sitting here all dressed to the 9's in a tux and dress. Then you'd know how we felt when we had dinner at your place."

Ouch.

I thought the comment was strange, and a little bit hurtful, but I didn't understand what she was saying, so I filed it away in my mind, and moved on.

4 years later....

We had my cousin, his wife, and their two children (3 and 1) over for dinner a few weeks ago. They didn't bring any booster seats, cups, or utensils for their kids. This meant that Becca spent dinner time trying to roam around, since she wasn't strapped in to her booster seat. I was, honestly, and I'm ashamed to admit it, annoyed.

We enjoyed our dinner, then had a nice time talking with them afterwards.

Then the kids bedtime came and went. And they were still here!!!

When they started talking about putting their little one down to bed at our house, my heartbeat started doing double time. I had thought that they were coming for dinner, then going home. I mean...that's what people do, right?????

After they packed up their stuff and headed home (at 9:00...because their little one wouldn't go to sleep), my husband and I closed the door and breathed a sigh of relief. They were gone, and we could go on with our night. I mean...who comes and stays for that long??

As I was cleaning up the dishes that night, I felt a punch delivered right to my gut. Followed by a whisper in my head. "THIS is hospitality. You should be more like them. You missed a perfect opportunity to practice this gift that you say you want, and instead you were just thinking about what time they were going to leave."

Ouch.

To back up, I had again spent the day cleaning the house. I didn't want to stress about dinner, so I threw a roast and some veggies in the slow cooker. Even doing this, I was still stressed when they showed up. Having company does that to me.

The next morning, when I was reading my Bible, I came across this:
"Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling." 1 Peter 4:9
Don't you just love it when God has you read a message that He means just for you? The commentary said this:
"See note on Romans 12:13"
"Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality." Romans 12:13
Here's the commentary:
"Christian hospitality differs from social entertaining. Entertaining focuses on the host-the home must be spotless; the food must be well prepared and abundant; the host must appear relaxed and good-natured. Hospitality, by contrast, focuses on the guests. Their needs-whether for a place to stay, nourishing food, a listening ear, or acceptance-are the primary concern. Hospitality can happen in a messy home. It can happen around a dinner table where the main dish is canned soup. It can even happen while the host and the guest are doing chores together. Don't hesitate to offer hospitality just because you are too tired, too busy, or not wealthy enough to entertain."

Whoa.

These words hit home in my heart in a big way. I learned that the way in which I have been going about hospitality is completely wrong.

It's not about me.

I may have impressed my friends years ago with my clean house and fancy food. But it made them feel inferior. It's not about me.

I asked for the gift of hospitality, and then complain the first chance I get to use it. It's not about me.

I'm not saying that I'm not going to try to make my home look nice when people come over. But I'm learning that people feel more comfortable in a home that looks lived in, than a home that looks too perfect to touch.

One of my husband's good friends is coming over for dinner tonight. He's bringing pizza, and that sounds perfect to me. I hope I can find ways to serve him and his daughter, and I'm hoping that they stay late. (And in case you're wondering...we're inviting my cousin and his family back for dinner soon. We told them they should stay as long as they want...and we sincerely hope that they do. They gave us a great gift...an eye opening introduction to what hospitality is really about. And it's not me.)