Highs and lows

What a strange day.

Today was one of those days that has really great moments, and has really low moments.

It started out great. We had our ultrasound appointment this morning, so my husband was here. We all had breakfast together, which was really nice, and he helped me get Becca ready for our appt.

The appointment went really well. We got to see our baby, and everything looks good. I've been around enough to know what a miracle that is. I know not to take ANYTHING for granted. So to see a healthy (we think) baby moving around inside of me is nothing short of a miracle. And Becca was sooooooooo good the whole time. She just sat on her daddy's lap, smiling, and laughing. I think she thought the ultrasound technician was doing something funny on my tummy.

So the morning was wonderful.

Then, I get home, and my mom calls. Let me give you a little history here- I love my mom dearly, but we have a rough relationship. Let's just say we have a lot of issues. So...last year, she said that she thought we shouldn't go out to eat for birthdays anymore. (My b-day is the 14, hers is the 22). She said she thought it would be better if we just celebrated by cooking dinner for each other. That was fine with us, since we don't have the money to spend on going out, anyway.

So for her birthday last year, we were planning on having dinner at our place on her birthday. Then she calls us, and says "I didn't know if you wanted to go out to dinner- I'll buy." (Which is her way of saying 'could we please go out to dinner?') So we go, and of course we don't let her pay on her birthday, and we told her that. "We're NOT going to let you pay on your birthday." So we spent money we couldn't afford, but had a nice dinner, and everyone was happy (well, I was a little frustrated).

Fast forward to this year. Her birthday is today. We celebrated it on Saturday. We offered to pick some food up, and bring it over, but she just wanted to cook out at her house. So we spent the day there. I asked her to come over tonight, so we could spend time together on her actualy birthday, and told her I would cook something special for her, and she could see our ultrasound pics. She thought that sounded good.

I get home from our ultrasound, and she calls. "I didn't know if you guys wanted to go out to dinner. I'll buy." What? Didn't we go through this last year? So I immediately get annoyed (pregnancy hormones may have been a factor), and start being kind of rude. "You KNOW we won't let you pay for you on your birthday. I thought you said that you didn't want to do the whole 'eating out' thing on birthdays anymore. " I told her that I wish she would have just called and said "I'd like you guys to take me out for my birthday." I wasn't very nice. I guess I was just thinking that we can't afford it (we spent more money on her gift, since we weren't going to take her out), and that she knew that, and wanted to manipulate me into taking her out.

We went back and forth on the phone for about 15 minutes, and she told me that she really wanted me to cook for her. She didn't want to go out...she would be more relaxed eating at our place- it would be easier with Becca, etc., etc.

I hung up feeling like a total jerk. But it got worse. She came over tonight, and was telling me how nobody at work said 'happy birthday' to her. To make matters worse, it was somebody else's birthday, too. Someone who works near her, but on a different team. And this guy had people wishing him 'happy birthday' all day. She said that she didn't bring her lunch, because she was hoping someone would offer to take her out. They didn't. But the other guy got taken to lunch. And they made a big deal of it in front of her.

While she's telling me this story, I can see tears in her eyes, and they're rolling down her cheeks. She was really hurt that nobody but us remembered her birthday. (I don't blame her). Then it clicked- she didn't call to manipulate me. She called because she wanted to know someone cared. She wanted to do something special, to let her know that SHE is special.

What a jerk I am. How insensitive can I be?

I guess it's a reminder that even when I'm trying to get my life in better order, when I'm trying to be a better person, I'm still extremely human. I'm selfish, and mean sometimes. I hurt people. Ouch.

Feeling humbled, I gave her extra attention at dinner tonight, and then called her before I got online to let her know I love her, and wish her a happy birthday again.

Happy birthday, mom! This jerk loves you!