Deep thoughts

So I've been feeling really down lately, and have been trying to figure out why. I've felt like that a lot since I had my daughter, and started staying home. I've been trying to get back to journaling recently, and have figured out a few things pertaining to said sadness.

1- EVERYTHING in my life changed once I had Becca and started staying home from work. Every way that I defined myself changed. Let me explain-
-I quit my job- that means that I'm not contributing financially to my 'home' anymore; I don't have somewhere to go every day where I can talk to adults all day long, and use my brain, and skills; I don't feel that sense of purpose that comes from seeing a hard days work done.
-I used to like the way I look, (yes, for a short time, I accepted my looks), but since having Becca, I don't recognize my stomach, or the double chin and chubby face that I see in all the pictures that are taken of me.
-My friendships have changed. It seems that I have less in common with my friends that aren't married, and/or don't have kids. My friendships with people that DO have kids seems to focus mostly on our kids. That doesn't mean that I don't love those friends dearly....it's just that the dynamics have changed. It's hard to talk about other stuff when you spend 24/7 with a little 'you'.
-My relationship with my husband changed. In a lot of ways, having a child together has brought us closer. Knowing that we share something so amazing, and that we will forever be bonded is a powerful feeling. Watching him be a wonderful father makes me feel a love for him that is deeper than anything I've felt before. But...it seems like we're so busy figuring out her schedule, and getting things ready for her, that by the time she's in bed, we're tired, and don't have much left for each other. We just need to make each other a priority.

I don't mean to make it all sound negative. I know that it's not. I wouldn't trade having my daughter for anything. She's a miracle. I just need to figure out who I am now. I need to redefine myself, and find Renee again. Not 'Becca's mom', or 'so and so's husband', but Renee.

2- The other big thing that seemed to change around the time of B's arrival is my faith. My faith has been very important to me, and all of a sudden, it was at the bottom of my priority list (right below finding time and energy for my husband). Spending time with God is a lot like working out (in my opinion). Every time you do it, it feels good, and you wish you did it more often. But it's not really something you look forward to, and if you miss a day, it's easier to miss the next, and the next....and the next.

I think my not spending time with God is the other big reason that I've felt kind of 'off' for the last year and a half. My faith was a HUGE part of who I was. I miss that. My God shaped hole has been empty, and I can feel the void it has left.

So....I've started doing devotions again, and trying to pray more. I put on Christian music more often, and am just trying to be more positive all around. It's only been 2 days, but it feels good. I feel like I'm finding an old friend. I know this doesn't mean that my life will be perfect now, but at least I'm doing something about the funk I've been in, instead of lying around and moping about it, which is what I've been doing.