It's amazing to me how quickly I can move from being 'mommy confident' to thinking that I just wasn't cut out for motherhood. Yesterday was a prime example.
Mornings on days when my hubby isn't working are my favorite. I love it when the three of us can relax. I love watching them play together, and there's something about knowing you have the whole day ahead of you, and someone to help you out.
Yesterday was one of those mornings. Peaceful. Relaxing.
We put Becca down to see if she would take a quick nap, then the 3 of us walked to one of the parks near us. We let Becca play, and it was just one of those mornings where I kept thinking of how blessed I am. I even told my husband that I feel much better about being a mom now. (I've had a really hard time adjusting to motherhood).
We got my favorite Chinese food for lunch, and my hubby and daughter took a nap. It was the perfect day. I wrote in my journal about how great life is, and how happy I was.
Then my husband had to call in to his fantasy football draft in MI. He needed me to watch Becca (and keep her quiet) while he was on the phone for a few hours. No problem, right?
For the first hour, I was feeling like a pretty darn good mom. Becca and I played together, we danced together...we were both laughing, and everything was happy. Then... I took her up to give her a bath.
She fought me the WHOLE time in the tub. She kept standing up (when she knows she's supposed to sit), and she fell a couple of times. She didn't want me to wash her, and she got even angrier when it was time to dry her and get her dressed. By the time we were done, we were both pretty beat up.
I brought her downstairs, hoping that she would play with her toys while I started getting dinner ready. She couldn't understand though, why daddy was sitting right there, and wouldn't talk to her. She kept walking over to him, and just crying at him. I tried distracting her with toys, singing...everything. She just kept crying louder. So I had to bring her upstairs, so she wouldn't disturb daddy.
I needed to get our dinner going, so I let her play upstairs until she calmed down, and then brought her back downstairs. Same thing. I put a video in, and that worked for a few minutes, but my hubby ended up trying to hold her, and listen to his draft, while I was trying to throw a quick dinner together.
By this time, I'm completely stressed. I wanted to be a good mom, and a good wife, and keep Becca quite while daddy was on the phone. And I must have been tired or hormonal, because I couldn't stop crying. (Poor hubby). I tried to feed her dinner, and she just threw it on the floor. Which brought on a fresh wave of tears for me.
So by the time my hubby gets off the phone, I can't stop crying, and Becca has a MAJOR attitude. My hubby can tell that I'm past my breaking point, so he tells me to go upstairs and take a break from her, which I do willingly. I climb into the bathtub (my ultimate relaxation place), and cry for an hour. (What's up with that?)
We get the grumpy girl to bed, and then eat our dinner in relative peace. I'm still a basketcase, and still can't stop crying.
I guess I felt like a failure yesterday. Just when I think that I'm starting to get things figured out, a day like yesterday comes along and makes me doubt myself. I felt like I failed Becca, and I failed my hubby. I totally lost my patience with her, and he wasn't able to relax and enjoy his draft because of the drama in our house.
I went right to bed after dinner, and prayed for a while. I finally was able to realize that just because I had a rough day doesn't mean that I'm a failure. It just means that I'm human (a topic I've already talked about several times on here), and that I'm not perfect. It doesn't do me any good to dwell on it, or feel sorry for myself.
I told myself that today is a new day, and prayed for the strength to start over, and be a good mommy today. So far, so good. :) But who knows when Mrs. Hyde will come out?
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