The past is behind me

My 'sisterchick' friend sent me a book titled 'Every Woman's Battle' a few months ago. She sent it to me because I was having a really hard time dealing with feelings that I was having for an ex. My husband and I were cleaning out the garage, and I found an old notebook with a bunch of e-mails from him (the ex) in it. This was a guy that I really thought I was going to marry, and the e-mails brought back a lot of hurt feelings.

I talked to my friend about it, and she sent me this book that she had heard good things about. It's a VERY good book. The author talks about things that women just don't talk about, but that are very real. Reading it made me realize that I'm not alone in some of the things that I struggle with. (One of the main ideas of the book is that while men struggle sexually with things they see (visual), women struggle with things they feel. Thoughts, and romantic ideas...stuff like that.)

I just finished reading the book-I was going through it, and journaling about it during my quiet time. I can't thank Jenni enough for sending that book to me, because it spoke right to my heart. I can already tell that it is changing my marriage, and bringing my husband and I closer together.

One thing that stood out to me in the book was a story about a woman who struggled with unforgiveness. She had made a lot of mistakes in the past, and hadn't forgiven herself for those mistakes. That unforgiveness was tying her down, and keeping her from being truly happy. That gave me an idea.

What now feels like many years ago, I was going through a really painful breakup. One of my close friends had just been through a painful divorce, and wanted to help me out. She suggested that I come over, and write a letter to this boyfriend, telling him everything I thought and felt, and forgiving him. While I was writing the letter, she was praying for me.

It worked. That boyfriend is the only one that I can look back on without feeling hurt, or anger. So...I asked my husband to do the same thing for me last night. I wrote a list of all the guys that have hurt me...physically, emotionally...however. And things that I'd done in past relationships that I was ashamed of. While my husband prayed, I wrote about each guy, and wrote out all the things that I forgave him for. I wrote out all the things that I'd done that I was ashamed of, and forgave myself. When I was done, my husband and I prayed together, then burned what I had written.

Sidenote: One surprising thing I noticed while I was prayerfully making this list: I thought the list would only consist of guys that I was in relationships with. But there were several that I realized I was just feeling rejected by. Guys that I really had cared about, but who weren't interested in me, for whatever reason. I had been carrying that hurt around...wondering what it was about me that made me not good enough for them.

I feel like I've brought just bags and bags of 'stuff' into my marriage. Stuff that I haven't been able to let go of. Stuff that I still think about, and dream about. Stuff that stands between my husband and me. Stuff that keeps us from being as intimate, and as close as I know God wants us to be.

That exercise last night was my way of saying that the past is behind me. It has no hold over me anymore. The next time something shameful from my past tries to bog me down, or make me doubt myself, I can dismiss it, knowing that it truly is behind me. And THAT brings me one step closer to really accepting myself, and accepting God's love of me-imperfections and all.