Eating cement

I'm no expert on cement. In fact, I tried googling it to see how it's made, but I'm so tired it doesn't make sense to me. But it sounds like a good analogy so I'm going with it. About 2 months ago I started on an food/emotional awareness/weight loss journey. I've tried so many different things over the last few years, and while some of them helped me to feel better, I didn't lose weight. Then, while reading up on nutritional healing for my husband, I found some interesting information. I can't remember it exactly right now, but I read that white flour and sugar can cause migraines, anxiety, depression, and fatigue. These were things I was struggling with regularly, so my attention was captured. I did some research and decided that the 'South Beach Diet' would work for me. They eliminate sugar and white flour, and you're supposed to lose weight. What's wrong with that? The first two weeks (Phase 1) were wonderful for me. I totally eliminated all sugar and white flour and I felt amazing! I literally felt as if I had energy coursing through my veins. I accomplished so much those first 2 weeks! I lost 10 lbs too, so I was pretty excited about that. Since those first two weeks, it's been a struggle for me. I'm supposed to introduce whole grains and natural sugars into my diet gradually, and I'm learning just how careful I need to me. Something is triggered in me when I eat 1 or 2 carby tasties. Be it crackers, cookies, bread, cake...you name it...I can't stop eating! I would literally eat a whole cake. Once I take those first couple bites of something sugary/carby, I'm done for. And the hardest thing for me is what it does to my body. Not just the fat...I don't like that, but I've gotten used to it. It's the fatigue. When I eat sugar, it feels like I just ate cement. One minute I'm happily eating something yummy, then I'm eating more...then I can feel my body start to slow down. My eyes get droopy. My breathing becomes more difficult. I...just...don't...have...the...energy to do anything but lie down and nap. The thing is, now I know why I feel that way. So you think it would be easy for me to stop, right? All moms want to have energy to take care of their kids, enjoy their kids, and clean the house, do laundry, and fix meals, right? Oh how I wish it were that easy. Even though I know the consequences, I still reach for that first chip. That first animal cracker (hey-I'm a mom!). And then I regret it later. I've seen too, how this same thought applies to my spiritual life. If I keep away from the 'woe is me', 'why am I going through this right now' thinking, I usually do pretty good. But throw in a rough day, and all it takes is one selfish, negative thought, and all of a sudden it's as if cement was poured on my prayer life. It becomes sluggish...and takes a nap, if you will. With food, I'm finding that I just really need to pay attention to what foods affect me in that way, and which are okay. I can eat rice and whole grain toast, but not crackers by themselves, or even pretzels. I can have a hot dog, but not the bun. If I eat the bun, I want to take a nap. My prayer for today is that God shows me which thoughts to stay away from, and which thoughts are the good for me thoughts. The avocados of my spiritual life, if you will.

Sunny Saturday

God is doing a new thing in me. God is doing a new thing in me! For too long I've been held captive by negative thinking (a friend likes to call it 'stinkin thinkin'). My mind is constantly caught in a vicious cycle of worry, doubt, anxiety, fear, and, if I'm honest, lies. But God is doing a new thing in me. He is setting me free! Now, as we speak, my heart feels lighter than it has in years. When those thoughts start, when I can feel that cycle begin, I remind myself of my verse for the year (for life, maybe). "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, -if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things....and the peace of God will be with you." Philippians 4:8-9 It's amazing to me, the idea of taking thoughts captive, but what a freeing thing to do! The power and freedom in Jesus is overwhelming to me. That said...I am enjoying my freedom today. This Saturday is a day pregnant with possibilities. Fun to be had. Memories to be made. People to serve. -My husband is at a men's breakfast at church. He's being challenged to be a better father, husband, and man of God. He's there because he desires to be, and I'm happy that he's there with other Christian men. -We're going to my MSU baseball game today! Their coach is in our small group and we've gotten to know him and his family well. It's a privilege to be able to go and cheer his team on. We're blessed too, because another family from our small group will be joining us. Fun! (AND...it's supposed to be 65-woo-hoo!) -I'm working tonight! My job is a blessing...I get paid for something I would volunteer to do. I am blessed to be able to be very involved in the children's ministry at our church. I get to go in tonight and be God's hands and feet to the families and children that come into our ministry. God's children are such a joy! -At home date night! One of the traditions that Andy I have developed is one I love. On Saturday nights after I get home from work, we make Short Stop's delicious date night fajita nachos.

Today I'm standing with my arms and eyes open to receive the blessings that God is giving me. And I'm fixing my mind on whatever is good...whatever is lovely...

Thank you for this Sunny Saturday!!

Sister-friends

Sister-friends. It has a nice ring to it, don't you think? Maybe if you are fortunate enough to have a sister who is also your friend, these words have a different meaning to you. For me, these words relate to certain friends in my life who, because of the depth of our friendship, are like sisters to me. In my world, a sister-friend is a friend who has weathered enough with me that our friendship isn't even a choice anymore. Not being friends, not being a part of each others' lives is not an option. Friends who I can call when I'm afraid I'm going to lose it with my kids. Friends who I can call when something incredibly embarrassing happened to me and I'm afraid to tell anybody else. Friends who I can call, not say a word, and they will just listen to me cry. I didn't know it at the time, of course, but God blessed me with a sister-friend when I was 7 years old. We met in 2nd grade, had a bumpy road through elementary, middle, high school, and even college (more sister days than friends days during some of that time), and we have now reached our sweet spot. She and I can go a month without talking and then just pick up where we left off. One of my joys today is that I was able to spend a couple of hours with this no nonsense, fun mommy of 4 boys. She lives in another state, but came back to town for the weekend and stopped at my house on the way. She unloaded her van of herself, her 4 boys, and 1 niece, and made herself at home in my home. Our kids played Wii together and laughed. She brought me a basket of flavors of k-cups that she loves and wants me to try so I can see if I love them too. She bounced my baby boy on her knees like only a mom of boys can do, and made him dance around the room with her. It touched my heart in ways I can't even tell you to see this sister-friend of mine, a friend who has endured so much with me and because of me, to be enjoying my children. I enjoyed hers. It was so sweet to see them playing together. Who would have thought? I met another sister-friend in high school. The three of us bonded because of our shared faith. We made memories that will bring us to tears to this day (happy and sad tears). She is the friend I can be myself the most with. She is so much like me, we know what each other is thinking without even saying a word. I am blessed! Last night I found out that she's coming to town this summer for a few weeks with her kids. I'm so excited! Time with her is always good for my soul, and our kids love playing together. There's even talk of the 3 of us getting together. I see lots of laughter and memory sharing in our future! I have other friendships too, that are special and meaningful to me. I have been blessed immeasurably with some wonderful Godly women that have walked this journey by my side. Some, I've known years. Some months. Some I don't talk to anymore, but that doesn't lessen the friendship that we shared at one time. Some have been through dark times with me. Some I see in person, and others I only know on the internet. All are a blessing. What a treasure friendship is!

Whatever is good...

I grew up knowing nothing about myself. If you asked me when I was young what Renee liked, I would quickly assess you and give you the answer that I thought you would like the most. Anything I did, I did because I thought it would help someone to like me. To boost me in someone else's eyes. To help me find a place to fit in. To be accepted. When I was in college, I was talking with a dear friend of mine about my life. She wanted to hear the whole story, the real story. So I told her. All of it. And when I finished, she looked at me and said something that would change my life forever. "Renee, you told me that story as if it happened to someone else." It was at that moment that I realized that I had never dealt with any of the things I went through as a child. I pretended that they did happen to someone else. It was easier that way. This realization sent me on a journey to discover more about myself. The real me. The me that I had become because of the circumstances and environments in which I grew up. And I was disappointed with what I discovered at first. Because I had spent so many years making my likes and dislikes everyone else's, I found that I knew very little about myself. There were very few things that I could own, that I could say "Yes, that sounds like me." 15 years after the start of my journey of self discovery, of getting acquainted with Renee, I'm still amazed at the things I'm finding out. Some good, some bad. All new. I've been praying that God would search me and bring to light things that need to be cleaned out, things that are standing in the way of my becoming the child He wants me to be. It's not a painless process. Recently, I've learned some challenging things about myself. I'm lacking in self-control. I'm very self-focused. I have no discipline, and I worry. A lot. I want to control things, and I think because of what I've already gone through, that I deserve nothing but good things now, regardless of Who they come from. I recently read a book that touched on some of Montessori's teachings. In it, the author talked about how children have windows of opportunities when they're young. These windows are the times when they could learn something easily. Naturally. If certain things aren't learned or developed during these windows, then later in life it will take a sheer act of will to learn. I get this. So much. Today I am deciding to make an act of will. A few acts of will. I am going to start working on my self-discipline. My joyfulness. My patience. My goodness. My kindness. My faithfulness. My gentleness. Sound familiar? They're all fruits of the spirit. Now I know where to start. On my knees. At the cross. At His feet. I know that if I find my approval in Him, that if I make my likes His likes and my dislikes His dislikes that I will find the Renee that I want to be. That said, my goals for the rest of this month are: -To get up early enough in the morning to have quiet time, and to get ready for the day before the kids get up. -To work out at least 5 days a week. -To stick as closely to the South Beach diet as possible because it's when I feel the best. -To look for God moments throughout the day. Gifts from Him to us. I want my eyes and heart to be open to what He's doing. -When I find myself starting to think about myself and everything that's going on, I will redirect my thoughts to Him. To whatever is good. Whatever is lovely. Whatever is just. "Father, I lay who I am at your feet. I ask that you mold me and fill me with You. Help me to find you throughout the day, and help me to reflect You to my family. I pray that our home is a home of prayer. Of peace. A place where you would feel welcome. I pray that I treat my family as if you were sitting in the same room. I pray that I am close enough to you that I mirror you, and your fruits of the spirit are shown in my life."

Strong Enough

A dear friend of mine posted a song on my Faceb**k page the other day. She said it made her think of me...it is called 'Strong Enough' by Matthew West. It was perfect. The chorus goes like this: "I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be. I give up. I'm not strong enough. Hands of mercy won't you cover me. Lord right now I'm asking you to be strong enough. Strong enough."

I've had all these thoughts in my head over the last week or so of what I would say if/when I started blogging again. How could I make it clever? Not sound too complainy? Of course, when I actually find time to sit down and blog, my mind is blank. Nothing clever comes to mind. The reason that I'm blogging again right now though is not for popularity or for the number of friends who comment...it's to sort through the chaos in my head and heart right now and to have an outlet for my thoughts. Journaling is one of the best ways for me to clear my head and writing takes too long. So I'm just going to write what comes to mind and not worry about how 'popular' it sounds. These are my thoughts.

The last 3 years have been a roller coaster. Everything I thought I knew about myself and my faith has been challenged. My husband and close friends have heard me cry more than ever, and I feel like I'm in a constant state of anxiety/drama. We're in the middle right now of one of the hardest, most stressful times in our marriage/family. Everything is uncertain. Nothing can be taken for granted. Our 'normal' is getting redefined everyday. (And I'm not liking it very much.)

And still, in the midst of this, I hear the truth. "I have a plan for you child. I love you and want you to draw close to me. Nothing else matters. Trust me. All the time."

So I cling. I remember verses about plans and thinking of good things. I focus on my blessings and try to squeeze joy out of whatever I can find.

I was talking to a friend this weekend who is going through a really rough time. Rougher than what I'm going through. And she looked...happy. I asked her how she was doing and she said "I'm doing okay. My circumstances haven't changed, but God is changing me." I pray that this is how I react as well, with such class and faith.

Something to think about tonight...

Toes In

I have been dipping my toes into the world of blogging lately.

Tired, I read Facebook and see sweet comments from friends I used to connect with daily. It tugs at my heart.

Joyful or thoughtful after a day in my life, I think "I should write this down somewhere so I remember it."

It's been SO long, and it seems so daunting.

But I was happy when I was blogging. It was an outlet for me. It made me think throughout my day of the bigger picture. Opened my eyes a little wider, if you will...

I've been lurking lately- checking the blogs of my old 'bloggy' friends. Such sweet, sweet friends. Reading about 100 joys, days of advent, adjusting to a new house, new baby, thinking of giving up blogging for good. There is so much going on with everyone.

There's a lot going on here too. Some good, some bad, some crazy. I am clinging to the hope that is our God who loves me, cares for me, and has a plan for my life.

This afternoon as I went into work I was touched by the smell of campfire. (Our church does a wonderful outdoor Christmas 'play' that we call 'The Christmas Journey'. The journey goes through the woods behind our church and does so during freezing cold weather. There are bonfires all over the paths, and our whole church smells like bonfire while this is going on. I love it!) I smiled to myself as I walked in.

Tonight at work was great-I worked with a person I click with, was able to honor our volunteers with a really cute 'thank you' gift, and got everything done that was needed. I even got to talk with a friend afterwards about something that's been on my heart and in my prayers lately: adoption. SO much to think and pray about...

I came home and went into my daughter's room. "Mommy," said a little voice "Zach put a Cheerio in he mouth today! All by heself!"

I am blessed. Crazily, scatteredly, blessed....

Journal Entry

Thursday August 13, 2009: 2:00 p.m.

I've been thinking for a long time about my relationship with blogging. It started out as a great outlet for my thoughts...I have tried my whole life to keep a journal and feel so much better when I do, but thought it would be easiest to type a journal instead of taking the time to 'write' in one. (That might actually make my hand cramp!! Heavens!)

My 'journal' quickly turned into a quest for acceptance and friendship. I got caught up in checking how many people stopped by my blog, and how many comments I got and somewhere along the way I lost the reason I started blogging in the first place. I felt guilty if I didn't have time to read all of my favorite blogs and comment on them everyday. Finally, it just became too much for me and I stopped altogether.

I think about it all of the time, though. I still see something and think "I should write a blog about that...", or when I'm having a particularly good or bad day I wish I could capture my feelings and thoughts into words. But I never get around to it.

So I'm going back to basics. Journaling for me. I hope to start reading the blogs I love, and I always enjoy getting comments, but this is going to be for me again...

--I love this time of year. Sunshine is my friend-although sometimes I try my hardest, it is difficult for me to be gloomy when the sun is shining. I love being hot. I love pools and sprinklers and lawn chairs and lemonade and iced tea. I love fans and walks and the beach. I would love living somewhere that felt like summer all year long...it just soothes my soul. My husband on the other hand, prefers it to be cool. He doesn't like the heat at all- on our honeymoon when we were lying on the beach I was in the sun, and he was under the shade of an umbrella. We're just different like that.

As much as I love this time of year and am happy that it's summer I've still been struggling with being happy. The very beginning of summer this year wasn't very warm here in Michigan. I greeted the first weeks of July with long sleeve shirts and jeans...it felt very 'unsummerish'. Those cold weeks were followed by the chaos that preceded my first VBS; not just the first VBS that I was involved with, but my first VBS ever. I was in charge of the Preschool Curriculum since I'm the 'Preschool Coordinator' for our church, and it took a lot of time to get everything ready. I worked almost every night in the 2 weeks before VBS. Then the week of VBS I worked every day, and several nights. For a person who isn't used to being busy it was a crazy couple of weeks.

As soon as VBS was over- and when I say 'as soon as' I mean 'as soon as'- VBS ended on a Friday, and we woke up on Saturday feeling yucky. By Sunday I had a fever and could barely move; a nasty summer cold had taken over our house. And it has kept us hostage for almost 3 weeks now! I am close to going out of my mind with stir-craziness. I'm discouraged that it's already the middle of August and we haven't done many fun summer things because we've been sick. I cannot wait for all of us to be healthy so we can start living like it's summer!! I want to go to the beach, and the splash pad, and the aquatic center, and the zoo, and to get ice cream (just found out about an ice cream shop not too far from us that serves soy ice cream- SO excited that Becca could eat ice cream with us!)

As I started writing this entry I was crying. It has been a rough day. An ugly day. 3 weeks of being cooped up and a hormonal mommy will do that to a family. Thankfully one of my best friends came to my rescue and called me. She threw me a lifeline as she listened to my cry and vent about my day. After I unloaded everything that was on my heart and mind I felt better. Exhausted, but as if a weight had been lifted. Hopefully it'll be enough to get me through the rest of the day.

I did just find out that my hubby is taking the girls shopping tonight so I can have time to myself. (My birthday is tomorrow...you don't that that's why he's going shopping tonight do you??) Regardless...I'm looking forward to some time to recharge tonight. I will get out my 'Big Book' and spend some time with my Father. The only one who can truly restore a weary mother's heart.

Knocked Down

What a year it has been!!

I don't want to only post when I have bad news...but it seems like it's when I have bad news that I most need to get some of my thoughts down. They're all just spinning around in my head, and it helps to get them out where I can see them. Sometimes they make more sense that way.

Today was our last MOPS meeting of the year. It was an emotional one for me. Not necessarily because it's our last meeting of the year, and Becca's last MOPS meeting for good (she'll be in preschool next year during MOPS), but because I'm still reeling from our most recent loss.

After 2 beautiful, healthy children, we have endured the loss of 3 babies in a row. Most recently we found out at the end of March that we were pregnant again. We were excited. We were happy. We were hopeful.

Other people were hopeful too. Everything seemed right this time, and we thought that a healthy pregnancy was within our grasp. My levels rose well in the beginning. The doctor was pleased, and we were ecstatic.

Then I went in last Tuesday for a 7 week ultrasound 'just to be safe'. What they found was a 6 week old baby without a heartbeat, and a too-large yolk sac. The sad end to another little life.

This time the dr wanted to get me in right away for a d&c. Because my body is so good at making progesterone, I hold onto my pregnancies even when they're not healthy. I went in on Friday, and we're recovering.

Reeling. Absorbing. Grieving. Crying. Venting. Praying. Pleading.

On Friday we leave for a week long vacation. A long planned and much needed vacation. We're going to a ski/golf resort 'up north', and staying in a condo. We're going to an indoor waterpark and taking the girls to the hotel pool. We're going to walk along Lake Michigan and maybe even see the Mackinac Bridge. We're going to soak in the jacuzzi and enjoy each other's company. We're going to grieve, and pray, and hopefully find some peace in the midst of this crazy season.

I can't wait.

Hello...hello...hello....

What do you say when you're not sure where to start?

On Face*book, I just finished a '25 Random Things About Me' note. It made me think about blogging, and reminded me of how much I've missed getting my thoughts into words regularly. And how much I've missed interacting with all my 'bloggy' friends.

It all also made me think about why I haven't been able to blog in the last...year? I know I've said this before, but I really feel like my brain just reached it's limit. Or maybe it was my heart...

All the moving over the last year and a half was pretty stressful, and then I got pregnant, and had 'pregnant brain'. Just a month or so later, and I found out that I was going to lose my baby. I was sad. Heartbroken. Then I got pregnant again. And found out about a week later that I was going to lose this baby as well. I was beyond broken.

Now, here I am...four months after my most recent loss, and I want to start picking up the pieces. Becoming me again. My life is good. Busy, but good.

We got the go ahead from my doctor to start trying again. Which we're going to do. VERY soon. (Please pray!!) My heart knows that my family isn't complete, and I ache for another baby to hold in my arms. It may be selfish, but it's my longing.

I'm working now--at our church. I'm the 'Preschool Coordinator', which means that I am in charge of our 3 preschool rooms. I clean the rooms and stock them, make the play dough, and prepare the crafts for each week. I also help out during services...changing diapers, talking with volunteers, filling in where needed. I love it. It's fun, it's working with kids, and I get to get out of the house, and feel like I'm doing something. It is taking some getting used to, but I think it's a good change. (And a financially necessary one).

So that's it. I'm here. And maybe I'm getting ready to start thinking out loud again. We'll see.

Mighty to Save

When everyone needs compassion,

Love that's never failing

Let mercy fall on me

When everyone needs forgiveness,

The kindness of the Saviour

The Hope of nations

Saviour, He can move the mountains

My God is might to save,

He is mighty to save

Forever, Author of Salvation,

He rose and conquered the grave,

Jesus conquered the grave

So take me as you find me,

All my fears and failures

And fill my life again

I give my life to follow

Everything I believe in

Now I surrender (and I surrender)

(Bridge)

Shine a light in and let the whole world see

Singing, for the glory of the risen King

Jesus, shine a light and let the whole world see

Singing for the glory of the risen King

Mighty to Save

My husband was involved in a very close, God-filled Bible study in his hometown (side note...have any of you Michiganites ever heard of a group called 'Living Truth'? They traveled to different churches and events, and performed for years...now a group called 'Living Truth 2' performs). They met every Thursday night to dig into the Word. Once a year they also took some time away, to 'retreat'.

While the actual Bible study doesn't exist like it used to, the retreat still happens annually, and we had the pleasure of re-joining in this tradition this past weekend. It was the 35th year of 'retreating'...(my husband has only participated for about 20 years).

We dropped our girls off at 'Papa' & 'Nana's' house on Thursday night, and drove up to the Sho Sho-Nie Lodge, which is situated on Lake Charlevoix. There were 15 of us, and we spent the weekend in fellowship; talking, reading, doing puzzles, playing games, going for walks, shopping, worshiping, praying, sitting by the fire, and, of course...doing Bible Study.

And wow....do I have so much to share!! And how much I have missed this...this feeling of being excited about God...of just wanting to share what He's been doing. It is a salve to my spirit, for sure!

In the weeks before I left for retreat, I was barely functioning. I was suffering from anxiety attacks, depression, and even a little bit of hopelessness. While I am still going to pursue meeting with a counselor, I feel as if my spirit has been healed. In the midst of all of my anxiety, I was not seeking time with God. I was not worshiping Him, or spending time at His feet. I have somehow let myself get drawn away from my first love, and I have been suffering because of it.

Philippians 4:4-7"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Matthew 6:25-34 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

As I said...I have much to share. He is good y'all, He is SOO good!!

Swept Away

I love the ocean. The sound of the waves crashing on the beach feels like home to me. Having water spread before me as far as my eyes can see is soothing to my soul. It reminds me that there is something SO much bigger than me out there...and the awesomeness of it speaks of the God who created the ocean and the sky to be separate.

Most of the time, I am able to view my life as I do the ocean. It is beautiful, homey, and speaks to me of God. I look at my life, and see God's hand in it, and I feel again how small I really am, and how big God really is. The things He has rescued me from, and the blessings He has poured out on me are too many to count in one sitting.

One thing about the ocean, as much as I love it, is that it is dangerous. If you aren't prepared, you can get swept away by an undertow and before you know it, you are lost at sea.

This is how I feel right now. Like I have been swept away.

This last year has been a wild ride for us. And while we've been trusting God the whole ride, the twists and turns have taken their toll on our spirits, on our hearts. I still know the Truth, and trust in the God who loves me and will see me through these valleys, but right now, I feel like I am half-living. Like I am going through life in a daze...

These last few months, especially, have knocked me off of my feet. I wonder what it takes to feel 'normal' again?

Father, please help me to refocus. Help me to go back to living fully. Help me to experience your Joy. Help me to know that You are watching over the 2 children that You have called home to You before they had a chance to know the pain of this world. Help me to trust in You, and to have Hope again. Help me be 'me' again. You are worthy and deserving of all praise and blessing. Amen.

Fireworks in the Rain

I have made the decision to start living.

For most of my life I have just gone through the motions, getting through each day. Most recently, my days have gone something like this: "Only 2 more hours until naptime" or "My hubby will be home in 1/2 an hour!" and "I can't wait until tomorrow because of such and such." I spend most of my time just surviving. Existing, but not living.

This was made all too clear to me just this morning during breakfast. My husband and I had some fun things planned for today, and were excited to tell Becca about them. This is how our breakfast conversation went:
Renee: "Becca...guess what we're going to do today. Something really fun!"
Becca: (with excitement) "Go to the grocery store?"

My lack of living has made the homebody in me become increasingly magnified. It's just easier to sit at home and count down the hours until naptime...keeping myself occupied by cleaning the house, doing laundry, or reading the paper while the girls entertain themselves.

But not anymore. I am going to start living deliberately. Deliberately spending time with my girls, helping them experience things that make them laugh with delight, or squeal with excitement. Deliberately looking for ways to fit a little bit more life into each day.

Today was my first day of living deliberately. We couldn't do as much as I would have liked, since we're all still recovering from the summer cold that won't end, but we did more than we usually do.

We had a picnic at the park and played on the playground. We spun Becca round and round on a tire swing until she got so dizzy that she couldn't walk straight. We pushed her and Allie in the swings, and laughed with them as they squealed with delight. We cheered for Becca when she went down the big slides all by herself.

We went to the 'lake' (at the same park as the playground) and let the girls play in the sand. My husband went in the water with Becca and spent as much time as she wanted just being with her, playing with her, and watching her sheer delight at being in the water. I followed Allie as she ran after the seagulls and watched kids building sand castles.

We let them nap as long as they could, and woke them up in time for dinner.

After dinner, we went to the grocery store (it was what Becca wanted to do, after all!) and let Becca drive the car that was attached to our cart.

After the store we went to a different park, where there had been a Hometown Festival happening all day. We watched people participating in fair-like stuff, and listened to the live rock band entertainment. We sat on a blanket and ate Twizzlers, then I went with Becca as she played on her second playground of the day, in the dark. I cheered her on as she held her own with the bigger kids, and was amazed when she climbed up the monkey bar sides of the equipment like she'd been doing it forever. I held my breath when she climbed up to a slide that would make me nervous, and went down by herself without batting an eye. We danced to the music that was all around us, with Allie. We laughed at her silliness, and her love of music. We huddled together under an umbrella as it started to rain. And we watched fireworks. We relished the pure awe and amazement in our daughters' faces as they saw fireworks for the first time. We clapped and cheered, and hooted and hollered, all in the rain.

And then we put our very tired little girls into bed at 10:00, about 2 hours later than usual. And we smiled, knowing that we fit a lot of life into today.

Six Years and Thanks

I realized something today.

I haven't really blogged in over 4 months. And I miss it.

I haven't blogged because I have been waiting.

And waiting.
And waiting.

Waiting for the 'new' house to look good enough for me to take 'after' pictures to post.
Waiting for some grandiose blog topic that would mark my re-entrance into the bloggy world with an exclamation point.
Waiting for life to feel more stable, so that my brain might stop feeling so much like mush.
Waiting for my obsession with the highly addictive Face.book to wear off so that I can spend what free time I do have more wisely.

Today I realized that if I keep waiting, I will never blog again. Not really. And I will continue to miss it.

So here I am. With nothing grandiose to blog about, and no pictures ready to post. Just a lot on my heart, and a place to unload.

There is something else special about today. Something happy.

It is my six year wedding anniversary!

Due to sick children and other circumstances, we didn't do anything out of the ordinary today to celebrate. We exchanged cards (well, my husband gave me mine...I bought his a while ago, and hid it so well that I now can't find it), and had a nice dinner together tonight after the girls were in bed. My mother is coming into town on Friday to stay for a week, and we're going to have a date night sometime while she's here. That will be our 'celebration.' And I can't wait! It feels like it has been forever since we have had a night just the two of us.

Maybe it's because of the significance of this day, or maybe it's because I'm realizing how much I put things off because I'm waiting, but whatever the reason, I feel I need to stop and be thankful. So here is what is on my heart today. A prayer of thanks, if you will.

Thank you, Lord:
-For my sweet husband of six years. His love is a tangible example to me of Your love, Father. The way that he loves me just as I am, and pushes me towards you is something I have prayed for as long as I can remember. Thank you for loving me enough to allow me to marry him. We are yours.

-For the fruit of this marriage. There are two beautiful girls sleeping in my house right now that I have the honor of calling my daughters. This, again, is an unbelievable example of Your love for me. While I don't feel worthy, I am extremely appreciative, and will love them as the miracles that they are. I know that they are really Your children, and that they are just in my care for a short time, and I will strive to please You in the way that I care for them.

-That Allie's fever finally broke. Lord, the last 3 days have been hard on us, which You know. I thank you that You have brought Allie through this latest illness, and that she seems to be getting better. It was SO nice to see her smiling and laughing again tonight. As Becca said herself tonight "We have our Allie back" and we are so thankful!

-For two new miracles. Lord, I have been blessed with some wonderful friends, and two of them had babies this week. I thank you for the blessing of Cecilia Nicole, born to Melissa on Wednesday, the 30th. She's beautiful, and I pray that she loves you as much as her parents do. Thank you for the wonderful family that you have placed her with. And Lord, I thank you for the miracle of Mason Lawrence, born to Tara on Thursday, the 31st. He is such a handsome little man, and their family is truly complete now. Please be with his precious family as they adjust to his arrival, and draw them all close to You.

-For answer to prayer. Father, I thank you for answering our prayers regarding Colleen so clearly. I thank you that the ultrasound showed nothing abnormal, and I thank you for her life. She's such a sweet, smart little girl, and I thank you for who she is.

Lord, you are immeasurably good. Thank you.

Turtle, Turtle

Hello! (Hello, hello, hello)

Yep, I'm still alive. And I haven't completely given up on blogging. I will be back soon, I promise.

We are on our way to being settled in our new home. It's been an unbelievable journey.

A while ago, I talked about how, when I get overwhelmed, I turn into a turtle. I pull my head inside my shell, and stay there until it's safe to come out. Well, that's part of why you haven't heard from me in so long. I think this last year has caught up with me, and I've been letting it all soak in. Painting has given me a lot of time to think and pray, and I've been working through some pretty heavy stuff.

I miss you all, and know that some of my good bloggy friends are going through major life changes right now. I'm so excited for you, and can't wait to catch up with you again.

Happy Summer!! I'll leave you with this...

Journey in the Desert: Day 333; We're Here!

Just in case there are any mathematicians out there who realize that my 'Journey in the Desert' days don't add up; I originally started counting the days from when our townhouse first went on the market. I decided to change the starting date to when we first decided to pursue a move to Michigan. Since we didn't sell the townhouse, I thought that might be irrelevant. It was over Memorial Day weekend of 2007 that we fasted and prayed about whether or not it was time to pursue a move back 'home'. That is when our journey began.

So....

It's official!!!

My husband and I bought our first house together! (Can I hear a big 'Woo Woo!'?)

Here's a quick summary of the journey that has led to this point.

May 2007: We fast and pray about moving back to Michigan.

June 2007: We move into my mother's house so that we can put the townhouse on the market without having to worry about the showings. Plus, the house would show much better without all our children paraphanelia.

July 2007: The townhouse is listed on July 1. Let's see what happens!

August 2007: My husband hears about a job opening in a company with Christian employees. He knows the person who is hiring for this position, and as he contacts Jason, Jason is already in the process of contacting him (Jason heard through the grapevine that my hubby was looking for a job, and thought he would be a good fit.) He flies to Michigan for an interview, and is offered the job the next day. (We thought it would take much longer to find a job).

September 2007: We have our good-bye party in Colorado, load up our moving truck, and head east. We roll into Lansing on September 9. My husband started his new job on the 12th.

October 2007: Our townhouse went under contract!! A closing date of Oct. 26th was set. This meant that we were able to buy a home in MI! We placed an offer on an older house that had a pool, and needed a lot of work, but it was a great deal. Two days before closing on the townhouse, the deal fell through, and we had to pull our offer on the house in Michigan.

November 2007: Right after the deal fell through on the townhouse, our friend Amy, who was graciously letting us stay in her vacant home (it was on the market) is afraid that it will look like she's renting to us, so she asks us to move out. In two weeks. After much frantic searching, our realtor fixes us up with some other clients of hers who have a vacant home that is also on the market. They decide to lower the rent for us, if we agree to do showings for them. We move in 2 weeks before Thanksgiving. We also decide to pull our townhouse off of the market, and try renting it out. We hire a property manager to take care of the details for us.

December 2007: Our first Christmas back in Michigan!

January 2008: Our townhouse is rented!! The tenant signs an 18 month lease, and we're good to go! We place an offer on a cute house with a big 'boat' in the backyard. We are excited to hear what happens.

February 2008: We're pregnant again!! Yay! (Still haven't heard anything about the house we placed the offer on.)

March 2008: Our realtor starts pushing us to look at houses again. We are reluctant, but she is persistent. She takes us out on the Monday after Easter, and the first house we look at is amazing. She tells us there are 4 offers on it already, so we would need to act right away. We place an offer that same day. The next day, we are at the doctor's office, finding out that our precious little one has left my womb to be with Jesus, when our realtor calls to tell us our offer was accepted. We withdraw our offer on the house that we extended 2 months ago.

April 2008: After a bumpy road, we are finally approved, and cleared to close!! As of 11:30 this morning the house is ours!!

Thank you, Lord!!

Decorating Dilemmas

I am going to apologize ahead of time for what I imagine will be the content of my blog over the next month or so. We're buying our first home!! And this home is what is on my mind, and probably will be on my mind for a while. So please forgive me as I babble about decorating and painting, and moving, and house stuff like that. Also...my brain is extra scattered (if you can believe that), so I may not make much sense.

Now that you're thoroughly intrigued....

We got our 'clear to close', and are all set to close on Tuesday at 11. (Hooray!!) We already have someone lined up to watch the girls that day, and we're figuring out our gameplan for the next few weeks.

We close on Tuesday, but we have until the 12th to move out of the house we're renting right now. This gives us time to do some necessary cleaning, painting, and flooring in the new house. Right now, we're planning on doing major cleaning and painting next weekend, then moving in the following. I can't believe we might be in our own home in 2 weeks!!!

So...the whirlwind has begun. We did our final walk through this morning, and took some measurements so we can get estimates on carpet. (We were really hoping to not have to replace the carpet, but the previous owners had a dog, and the dander is everywhere. Both Becca and myself were coughing after being in the house for a little while.) We then visited some carpet stores and Lowe*s. (Have any of you used Lowe*s for carpeting? Heard anything about how well they do?)

I may have to post pictures as we do this, so I can look back and see our progress.

I also have some decorating questions...so feel free to share your thoughts/ideas with me, if you're so inclined (I would love to hear what you think!).

-There is a red brick fireplace in the living room. I'm not sure what color to paint the wall it's on (what goes with brick?). Any suggestions? Here is a picture of the fireplace. I really like neutral or warm colors (brown, red, gold, sage green...)

Also...at first, we thought the trim was oak, and were actually kind of disappointed. I really like the look of white trim-it goes best with the colors that I like for paint. But I wasn't going to cover up a nice wood like oak with paint. As we did our walk through today, our realtor pointed out that the trim is actually maple, and doesn't add any value to the home. Now I think we're going to paint it. She suggested spray painting it, then painting the walls. Have any of you painted stained wood trim before? As you can see, there's a lot of it. The baseboards, the windows, and the crown moulding. Also...what should we do with the fireplace? Leave the mantel oak, or paint it white?

That's it for now. Better get back to packing. Can you tell I'm excited???? (Oh, and in case this whole journey of ours has left you a little confused...this is not the house with the boat. We never heard back from the bank about that one. )

Almost There

There is something about spring. Especially a much anticipated spring after a very long winter.

It rained during the night, and now the air smells like Michigan. The smell of rain, of humidity, of sunshine, reminds me of my childhood. There's something unique about the humid smells of Michigan, and it feels like home to me.

Speaking of home...

We finally got the 'clear to close' on the house we've been trying to buy!!! We should find out sometime this morning if we're closing on Monday or Tuesday. It has been a long and bumpy road for us, but we're beside ourselves with excitement that it finally looks like it's going to happen.

Thus begins the whirlwind. We have until the 12th to move out of this house. So, the next 2 weeks will be filled with packing, cleaning, carpet shopping, painting, unpacking, and praying!! (Not necessarily in that order.)

Thank you Lord!!

It is going to feel so good to write the post 'Journey in the Desert: Day ???: Done!!'

Now I need to go get ready for another showing. From 1-3. Naptime must be the ideal home-looking time. Oh well...only 2 more weeks!! Hooray!!

Spring

Ahhhh...

Can you hear the happiness in that sigh?

It has been a looong winter, but I do believe that spring is finally here!! We have had our windows open every day for the last week, flowers and trees are blooming, and I can hear the sound of people mowing their lawns.

Sunshine is so much a part of my moods, and my spirit is loving this nice weather!!

Becca has been saying some cute things lately, and I keep forgetting to write them down. I need to keep track of them somewhere. Why not here?

Becca: "Mommy...there's a bear in my crib."
Me: "A bear in your crib? What's it doing?"
Becca: "Sleeping." (duh!)
Me: "Well, bears don't belong in the house. Should I throw it out?"
Becca: "No. It's a nice bear."
Me: "A nice bear? Well then I guess we can let it stay. How did it get in here though?"
Becca: "Through the garage probly."
But wait...there's more!
Becca: "Mommy...there's other bear in the kitchen."
Me: "What?! I don't want any bears in my kitchen! Unless it's a nice bear. Is it a nice bear?"
Becca: "No. It's naughty."
Me: "Why is it naughty?"
Becca: "Bear throw food on the floor probly. Or touching the oven."
I have no idea where this came from. This morning, there was a tiger sleeping in Allie's crib. (Don't worry...it was a 'nice' tiger.)

Becca: (While stacking a pile of books next to her crib) "Mommy, Beh (she calls herself 'Beh') going stack these books next to my crib because there's no showing today. Beh can make a mess. Ok Beh make a mess?"

Becca: (This is one of my favorite). "Jesus live in my tummy mommy? Like baby live in your tummy?"
Me: "Well sweetie, there's not a baby in my tummy anymore. But Jesus can live in your heart if you ask him to."
Becca: "Ok." (She looks at her heart). "Jesus? You want to live in my heart?" (Pause) "Okay. Here go!"

Becca: "No baby in you tummy anymore mommy?"
Me: "No sweetheart, there's no baby in my tummy anymore."
Becca: "Where the baby go?"
Me: "The baby is in heaven with Jesus."
Becca: "And all the little children of the world?"
Then she started singing 'Jesus Loves the Little Children'

The other day, the microwave quit working. There was nothing dramatic about it...I just noticed that things weren't warming up, no matter how long they were in there. It happened at lunch time, while Becca and Allie were waiting for their food.
Becca: "What you doing mommy?"
Me: "I'm getting some pots and pans out to heat up lunch. The microwave isn't working."
Becca: "Again? The microwave no work at gramma's house either." (Here's that story...from 8 months ago)
Me: (Surprised that she remembers that long ago.) "You're right. The microwave at gramma's house broke."
Becca: "You going to throw food on the floor again mommy?" "You going to cry again cause the microwave no work?"
Me: "I don't think so, sweetheart."
Man, that girl has a memory!!

One of those days

Yesterday was one of those days that I just have to blog about, so that I can look back on it when I'm having a rough day, and laugh. It reminds me of a post that Jennifer did recently about her terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Although mine wasn't that bad...just kind of funny. (I can say this now that the day is over.)

6:00- I woke up feeling a little anxious. I had had to reschedule my post-op appointment 3 times, trying to find a time to work for my husband (so he could watch the girls). Finally, when he told me sometime between 11-2 would work best for him, and the dr's office told me they had something at 1:45, I took it, just happy to be done with it. It didn't hit me until later that this would mean no nap for my girls, which in our house is not a fun thing. Because I had rescheduled so many times, I just left the appointment as it was, and accepted the fact that my girls would not nap.

7:30-As my husband is getting ready to leave, I look around the house and say "We're due for a showing...we'll probably get a call today. But at least we get 24 hours notice (something our realtor told us she would do for us when we moved in here)." We both laughed, and said that it would be a crazy 24 hours, as our house was a total mess (remember this post about how we just had 4 kids under 3 1/2 in our house for 2 days?)

9:00-I put both of the girls in their rooms for quiet time, since they wouldn't get any later in the day. I put a roast and some veggies in the slow cooker so dinner wouldn't be an issue later, with overtired little ones.

9:15-Laundry is going, dinner is cooking, and the girls are quiet. I can do this!! Today won't be so bad, after all.

9:20-My phone rings. It's the realtor's office. Someone wants to do a 2nd showing between 3:30 and 4:30. They say they're sorry for the short notice, but it is a 2nd showing, so....

9:23-I hang up the phone and fight back tears. Allie is now crying, letting me know that a morning nap for her isn't very likely. I look around the house at all I have to do, and drop to my knees to ask for a little help from above. "Lord...I am going to need your strength in a big way today!"

9:30-12:00- I clean the house frantically. Allie (our usually happy baby) is incredibly fussy and doesn't want me to put her down. I do as much as I can while holding her, and try not to get too frustrated when I put her down, and she follows behind me and empties cabinets and drawers (while crying). I wonder what an anxiety attack feels like, as my chest is tight and I feel like I might lose my mind.

12-1:20- I feed the girls lunch and get things ready for the doctor's. I leave the girls in their highchairs as long as possible, so they don't get down and get things out.

1:45-2:30- I enjoy some quiet time in the doctor's office while my wonderful husband lets the girls run outside in the grass. The doctor tells me that everything looks good, and that we can try to get pregnant again in a couple of months, if we want.

2:30-We get the girls all settled in the van, with the hopes that they will sleep while I drive around. We figure there's no point in our going back home, as we'd only be able to be there for 1/2 an hour, and the house is all ready for the showing. We figure that the best option is for me to drive around, so that the girls might take a little bit of a nap.

2:45-3:30- I drive around. I think it might be a good time to see if I can find my own way to the house we're hoping to buy, and explore the areas around it. Becca doesn't sleep-she just keeps talking to me (which is fine...I enjoy the time talking to her, especially since the morning was so rushed). Allie sleeps for 1/2 an hour and wakes up cranky. Nothing I do soothes her.

3:30-4:00-I decide to drive back home. Allie is upset, and I think there might be a possibility that the people have already come and looked at the house.

4:00- I go into the house to see if there's a card left by the realtor, or any other signs that they've already come. I see none. As I get back into the van, Allie turns her screaming into a level I haven't heard before. I decide to go to Target, just to kill 20 minutes, and get the girls out of the van.

4:06-I turn into the Target parking lot and hear a lovely noise coming from Allie. She is throwing up.

4:07-I pull into a parking spot and fight back the tears that are trying to take me over. I pray for wisdom, and for peace. I decide to change Allie's clothes, and clean up the carseat as best I can. I also call our realtor and ask if the showing was from 3:30-4 (then I could go home!) or 3:30-4:30. She reaffirms my original thought, so I try to figure out how to spend the next 20 minutes. We end up just standing in the parking lot. Becca plays in the van, and I just hold Allie. We are all very tired and cranky.

4:30-I get the girls back into their carseats. And notice that Allie hasn't cried once since she got sick. This poor child had been crying all day (I just thought it was because she was picking up that I was so stressed).

4:40- We get home. I decide that the best thing to do is just bring them downstairs and put a movie on. I change their clothes, diapers, and all that good stuff, and get them settled with a snack and a video.

5:00- I see people walking around our yard. What?????

5:02-I go outside to find a realtor and a young couple sitting in the driveway. The realtor says "I'm sorry...we're running a little late." I tell them that they can come in, but that the house isn't in perfect order, and that I wouldn't take the girls out again. They agree, and come in to look around.

After they left, I just had to laugh. (It was better than the alternative.)

It was just one of those days. I'm very happy to say that today is off to a much better start.

Love and Respect

This weekend my husband and I went to our first marriage conference. Love & Respect

We went because we've been married 5 1/2 years, and thought it might be a good thing for us. We went because it was at our church, and it was convenient. We went because my husband's sister and her husband were able to join us. We went because the speaker is the former pastor of our church, and every time we turned around, someone was telling us how we needed to go. If for nothing else, than to hear 'Pastor Emerson' speak.

So we went.

And we are so glad that we did. It was phenomenal. As in we think it is going to be a tremendous blessing in our marriage. As in we want to tell every married person we know that they should at least read the book and watch the videos that you can do in a small group setting (or at home with your spouse).

My husband was skeptical at first. He used to attend our church back when Dr. Eggerichs was the pastor, and he wanted to hear him speak, but he's never been big on marriage books, or marriage conferences. He is of the opinion that most marriage books have a lot to say about how a husband should love his wife, but not as much to say about how a wife should love her husband.

This was the exception.

On Friday night, Dr. Eggerichs started to talk about how a husband should love his wife. We laughed as he described me in several different situations. (Well, not me exactly, but situations that we have been in because of me). He then told the men what to do in these situations, to best show us their love. And I think he was right on.

On the way home, my husband and our brother in law were talking about how they were both interested to hear what he had to say about how a wife should love her husband.

So, on Saturday, we listened as Dr. Eggerichs and his wife, Sarah, told us women what our husbands need. Respect. And they gave us ideas on how to implement that. Things I had never even thought of. Like how, even though I need face to face time with my husband, talking, to feel connected with him, he needs shoulder to shoulder time with me, with no talking, to feel connected to me. Interesting, right?

As he spoke, my husband kept nudging me, letting me know that what Dr. Eggerichs was saying was right on. Finally, someone gets what my husband really needs!!

It's such a basic concept. Taken right from Ephesians. A woman needs to be loved by her husband, but a husband needs to be respected by his wife. So simple. Yet, so powerful.

He also talked about how we should be viewing our marriages as an act of ministry. He posed the question: "If you can't show love to your husband properly, how can you show your love to Christ properly?" He challenged us to view Jesus standing right behind our spouses when we speak to them. How would we treat our spouses if we really knew that Jesus was watching, and listening? Grace is given, yes, but are we really trying?

I believe it could change your marriages, girls! I believe it can change my marriage!

All in all, it was a wonderful weekend. The conference was wonderful, and the kids did great with their grandma & grandpa watching them. Although, the 4 kids (all under 3 1/2), the grandparents, and the aunt that came to help all pretty much passed out when the conference was over. It was a very tiring day and a half for them. Fun, but tiring.