The Mother I Didn't Have

I think that I may need to do some grieving in order to work on healing my relationship with my mother.

It's hard for me when I look at other mother/daughter relationships. I know a lot of women who would be proud to be like their mothers. I know women who are thankful that their moms taught them about God, and raised them to have faith. I know women whose mothers were an example to them of good morals and right living.

My mother modeled none of the above.

My mother was in a cult when I was born. My parents met in this cult, following someone named the Guru Maharaj Ji (I used to call him Gurmajee). Some of my first memories are of watching this 'Guru' perform 'miracles'. I remember sitting in a large crowd, watching people wash his feet. Before I was born, my mom and dad lived in an ashram (a communal house with other members of the Divine Light Mission). My mom has since left the Mission, but has spent the rest of her life trying to find something to fill up the hole in her spirit. She has not succeeded yet.

My mother did illegal drugs while I was growing up, and told me that it was no big deal. I remember bringing home a 'Weekly Reader' one time, and showing her the illegal drugs in the magazine. I remember saying "Mom...I read about what you do in school today. They say that it's bad for you, and you can go to jail for it." She said "It's not a big deal, honey."

I grew up being disappointed by my mom. She was always telling me that we would do something, and then saying 'You didn't really think I meant that, did you?' She had a temper, and I have many memories of her losing her temper with me, and very few 'fun' or 'special' memories with her.

For most of my life, I have felt cheated by the mother I had. I always wanted the mother that I didn't have. One who would pray for me...listen to me...be a good role model for me. A mother who was whole and healthy, and who loved me in a 'normal' way.

What God has been showing me these last few weeks is that while I didn't have the mother that I thought I should have, I had the mother that God gave me. And even though she didn't raise me the way I wish that she would have, she still had a lot to offer.

God has opened up my eyes these last few weeks to the good aspects of my mother. The aspects of her that I have overlooked the last 20 years.

My mom was a single mom at the age of 26 (I was 9 months old when my dad left her). Her parents didn't think that she needed a degree, so they didn't pay for college. So, she was a single mother at 26, with no degree, and no source of income.

My mom found daycare for me, and put herself through keypunch school. She started in Data Entry, and worked her way up. She is now a Project Manager for a big healthcare company, and gets paid pretty big bucks to help with the installation of Healthcare software for hospitals. She did all of this on her own.

When I look back at my childhood, I realize how easy it would have been for my mom to just give up. I can't imagine going through what she went through. But she kept me, and did her best to provide a good home for me.

When I was 12, and my mom was just 38, she became an orphan. So she was all alone, with a pre-teen daughter. She humbled herself and called my dad, asking him to come help her out with me. She offered to put him up in her home, so that he could get to know me, and help out. I can't imagine how hard that must have been for her.

A weaker woman would have given up. A weaker woman would have given me up. But she kept on.

My mom was raised by parents who didn't love each other, and didn't communicate. She never felt genuinely loved or accepted. So how could I expect her to show me genuine love or acceptance? She did the best that she could with what she had.

Looking back, I can see God's hand in our lives. Even when we were both non-believers, God was busy protecting us, taking care of us, and guiding us. And He brought me to Him. Even though I wasn't raised with an example of loving Him, He sought me out, and made me His own. And now He' s giving me the ability to love my mom, extend grace to her, and finally show her a little bit of the acceptance she's been looking for.

So...maybe my mom didn't give me the things that I thought I needed. But she gave me enough, and for that I am grateful. And now, because of God, I can love her the way that she should be loved. And pray that she comes to know the Comforter and Healer in a personal way. Because He's the only one who can give her the TRUE love and acceptance that she's looking for.

Thanks to God working in me, I can say "Thank you, mom". And I thank God for this!