Today I feel crazy. As in, not in control of myself crazy.
How is it that I can sit down and write a blog about how wonderful my kids are (and genuinely mean it), sign off the computer, and then lose it with my daughter in less than 5 minutes? Granted...I have a lot on my plate right now, and she's pretty uncomfortable because she's getting her 2 year molars, but....dang!
It's been a rough week or so for us. My husband has been gone the majority of it, and there have been some serious life changes made. I'm feeling a little frazzled over everything that needs to be done, and I'm feeling sad to be leaving my life here in CO. Becca is in pain, and she is also feeling the changes. She still asks me where 'home' is, and she starts to panic whenever 'daddy' leaves the room. I think she's afraid he's going to leave again.
So where does one find refuge in a time like this?
My girls need to find their refuge in my husband and me. I've heard it said that everything else in a child's life can be going wrong, but if their parents are solid, then the child feels safe. How can I be solid and safe for my little girl if I feel unsure myself?
Why is it so hard to have faith? I believe in God. I believe that He's in control, and that He loves me. I believe that He's going to take care of our move, and our housing situation. But I'm also a little bit scared. We're leaving the home that we've known together for the last 4 years. We're starting over together in a city where we have friends, but no family. (Our family is about 2 hours away). And we don't have a place to live yet. Our townhouse is still on the market, and it will be hard for us to afford a place to live in MI.
My logical mind tells me to be scared. That it doesn't make sense to move to another state where we can't afford living arrangements. But my heart, and my spirit tell me that everything will be okay, since God is providing for us. After all, He DID provide a wonderful job for my husband in less time than we thought possible.
With all of this going on in my mind, it is hard for me to pull it together and be strong for my girls. I know that is what I need to do, but I feel like I need some time to process these life changes myself. After all, it is my mom that we're moving away from (and we're doing this just as she and I are getting closer), and it is the townhouse that I bought that we're leaving. Colorado has been my home for the last 13 years, and I have friends here that I consider like family.
My prayer is that God restores my faith and trust in Him. He wouldn't provide a job for my husband in the way the He did, and then leave us homeless.
I pray that He reminds me that my daughters are a fantastically wonderful blessing, and that it is a privilege to me to be their safe haven.
I pray that He calms down this storm of feelings, details, and thoughts in my head, and enables me to be present in my day to day life.
I pray that I remember that all of these things are just 'circumstances', and that He IS in control.
My refuge is in Him. If I can allow myself to rest There, then we'll be okay.
2 comments:
I will certainly pray for you during this difficult and scary time. I think the only thing we can do is rest in him, esp. when there isn't any rest anywhere else.
Oh, honey. You are doing SUCH a good job. In answer to your question about how you can lose it 5 minutes after posting your child-based joy...ummmm...you're HUMAN. You are a normal mother!!
I will keep lifting you up in prayer, my friend. Stay strong knowing that change is always scary, even when it's good change and you CAN rest in Him -- He's the only thing that DOESN'T change.
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